This is a new feature for my fairly featureless blog. Based on current events, I will regularly announce who can Kiss My Ass, who can Kick My Ass and who I should Kick Your Ass.
Kiss My Ass - Chris Hawkins. For the second straight week, parties involved in Jersey-Gate can Kiss My Ass. This week it is the former UNC defensive back, Chris "I am not an agent, but I am a financial adviser and collector" Hawkins who bought AJ Green's Independence Bowl jersey (pictured) for around $1000. Hawkins met Green via Facebook and the two never met face to face, but Hawkins just had to have that awesome Indy Bowl jersey, ya know. I am not exactly sure how he meets the NCAA definition of "agent" but I don't think he would meet most people's definition of "collector." "Dirt bag"? Maybe. "Collector"? Not so much. In unrelated news, Hawkins was arrested in Madison, GA in April 2009, while driving a U-Haul truck from Miami to N.C. and allegedly had a small amount of marijuana in his pocket and 3 ounces of cocaine was discovered in the contents of the truck. To be fair, the coke may have belonged to someone else. Still, for luring AJ Green afoul of NCAA rules, Chris Hawkins can Kiss My Ass.
Kick My Ass - The Marines of BLT 1-4. The bad ass Marines that took back the Magellan Star from 9 armed Somali pirates on Sept 9th are from the same Battalion Landing Team (BLT) that I floated with onboard USS Okinawa in Desert Shield and Desert Storm in 1990-91. After boarding the ship and capturing the 9 pirates, the Marines then went down to rescue the 11 man crew that had taken fortified refuge deep in the bowels of the ship in a space they called their "citadel." The Marines had to cut through steel doors and other obstacles because there was no way to communicate to the crew that they were being rescued. Now, read this paragraph from the link above:
"They finally cut one last hole, and called in with our loudspeaker that it was safe, the Marines had control of their ship, and to please come out. The ship’s captain peered hesitatingly from behind a steel bulkhead, still unwilling to come forward. Sgt Chesmore ripped an American flag patch from his shooter’s kit and held into the room as a final identification. The captain broke into a huge smile and immediately called his crew from their hiding places. They ran forward, unlocked the final barricaded door in their “citadel” and were escorted topside. Excited. Exhausted. And happy to have their ship back."
Notice the Polish ship captain's response upon seeing the Stars and Stripes! That is why I am proud to be an American and proud to be a Navy veteran. We are the good guys and screw the idiots that have that fact twisted. Ooh-rah! And yes, without even breaking a sweat, those Marines can Kick My Ass.
Kick Your Ass - Granny Holtz. I know it looks like I am picking on old men, and maybe I am. But, this scene from Stepbrothers is how I felt when looking at Lou Holtz's shit-eating grin in the ESPN studio moments after his Gamecocks had secured their 3rd victory over the Dawgs in the 10 tries since Coach Mark Richt arrived.
But wait, there's more. This week we play another of Dr. Lou's alma tomatoes in Arkansas, so be prepared for him to transparently pull against our Dawgs yet again. And for those reasons, Lou Holtz, I would love to Kick Your Ass.