Monday, September 06, 2010

As The Football Turns

Here are a few observations from all of the games I paid any attention to Saturday (and Thursday).

South Carolina looked as good or better than I expected. Garcia has tons of experience and despite the head games played by "The Ole Hemorrhoid", Garcia has enough talent to lead his team to victory against anyone on their schedule. I believe their defense looks slightly more vulnerable than last year, but as the new starters gain experience, this could change. Let's hope it doesn't change until after Saturday. Southern Miss had receivers getting behind the SC secondary but rarely connected. Aaron Murray will get a few shots downfield, but will AJ Green be one of the targets? Find out soon, As The Football Turns...

Alabama looked invincible. But, there is one cosmically destined stumbling block in their path and Orson Swindle from EDSBS nailed it in a tweet on Saturday. Is there anything Nick Saban can do to overcome the looming cataclysmic irony that is a Houston Nutt coached football team that lost to Div 1-AA Jacksonville State? Find out on October 16 As The Football Turns...

LSU escaped by the narrowest margin. A margin thinner than the hair off of a gnats ass. When someone makes the movie about The Hat, can Jeff Bridges please play the role and at some point in the film utter these words, "The Hat abides, man." Which game will the "come from ahead to lose" strategy work for The Hat this season? Find out As The Football Turns...

Lane Kiffin falls into the rarest of categories of unlikable men. These are the categories in order of population: Assholes, Nerds, Dicks, Pussies, Douchebags, and Sourpusses. Here are coaching examples of each:

Asshole - A guy that can excel at many things but does nothing to endear others and is typically self-centered and doesn't mind stepping on toes. Can inspire envy and is often referenced the phrase "He may be an asshole, but at least he is our asshole." Nick Saban.

Nerd - Lou Holtz. No further explanation needed.

Dick - A dick is similar to an asshole but is less enviable. They are more closely related to the douchebag but there are subtle differences. For example, if your sister was marrying a "Dick" you would go to the wedding. A "Douchebag", not so much. Urban Meyer is a dick. Last year I called him an Uber Douche, but in fairness, he is only a dick.

Pussy - This is a guy with no balls. They don't last long in coaching, but you will find them on the field from time to time. Anyone named Clausen.

Douchebag - A douchebag is basically an untouchable. You find them more often in college hoops. Jim Harrick, John Calipari. In football, Barry Switzer and maybe Hal Mumme.

Sourpuss - Characterized by a whiny voice and a scrunched face when they speak. Even when they are happy, they seem unhappy about it. Perpetually constipated is another trait. In other words, Kiffy.

You may be wondering where Steve Spurrier fits into this model. He is like the platypus and defies categorization. He exhibits traits of Asshole, Dick, Douchebag and Sourpuss.

What do you think? What other coaches fit into one of these categories?

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