In this feature for my fairly featureless blog, based on current events, I will regularly announce who can Kiss My Ass, who can Kick My Ass and who I should Kick Your Ass.
Kiss My Ass - Major League Baseball. Since the Braves lost and since it is freaking mid-October... baseball can totally kiss my ass. For that matter, so can the NBA and NHL. Why don't they wait until winter when someone may actually watch?
Kick My Ass - Hunker Down Beer Challenge. As BernieDawg predicted... The Hunker Down Beer Challenge last Saturday kicked my ass. I committed to drink one beer for every Georgia score (TD, FG, Safety) which resulted in my obligation to consume 7 beers. One of the 7 was a 22oz bomber of Terrapin Hopzilla at 10.7 % ABV. The next 6 beers were Sweetwater 420 Extra Pale Ales at 5.4 % ABV and then I had "one to grow on" which was a Sweetwater IPA at 6.7% ABV. The photographic evidence is tendered herewith. Note - my mom was drinking the red wine and my friend Dave was drinking the Ketel One. Anyway... since the Dawgs decided to open a can of whoop ass on Tennessee and scored 41 points, I willingly and happily drank to excess. You may be saying, "Dude, it was only 8 beers. You let that kick your ass?" In short, yes... briefly. I admit that I dozed off during the second half of Bama's debacle at Columbia and woke up just in time for Navy's kickoff at 6:30. The last time I took a nap shortly after a UGA game was in 1991 when we beat Clemson on the same day that the Braves clinched a playoff berth. I was in San Diego at the time and my Navy buddies and I watched the Braves clinch at a place called Sluggos in La Jolla that served Chicago Style dogs and chili cheese fries along with cheap pitchers of beer. Then we went to a sports bar to watch UGA beat Clemson. My friend Jim Chatfield from Pittsburgh decided that we would all do a shot of tequila every time Georgia scored. The Dawgs won 27-12 and we did 5 tequila shots along with countless beers plus the pitchers at Sluggos. We were exuberant, to say the least. Anyway, I thought, by way of comparison, that I would equate my beers last Saturday to tequila shots. Turns out that my beer challenged resulted in the consumption of 7.046 ounces of alcohol. If a tequila shot is 1.5 ounces and is 40% alcohol (80 proof), then my beers equated to 11.7 tequila shots in about 3.5 hours (or 1 tequila shot every 18 minutes.) Ouch. I am glad the Dawgs broke out in a big way, but I am also glad that things slowed down in the 4th quarter. So yes, The Hunker Down Beer Challenge kicked my ass, but I will reissue the beer challenge on October 30 for the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Who is with me?
Kick Your Ass - Aaron, the Indian midget on Eastbound and Down. Little man, you and your fake mustache better stop screwing with my boy Kenny Powers or I will come down to Mexico and kick your diminutive ass! And your tiny blade doesn't scare me at all, cabronita.