Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Mike Leach is Colonel Jessep

Monday 12/28/09

Coach Leach to Chancellor Hance: I run my team how I run my team. You want to investigate me, roll the dice and take your chances. I coach in front of 40,000 armed season ticket holders who would kill for me, so don't think for one second that you can come down here, flash your C.V. and make me nervous.

Tuesday 12/29/09

Coach Leach to A.D. Myers: You see Gerry, I can deal with the two-a-days, and the pulled groins, and the high ankle sprains. I don't want too much money, and I don't want medals. What I do want is for you to stand there in those faggoty white patent leather shoes and with your West Texas mouth and extend me some fucking courtesy. You gotta ask me nicely.

Wednesday 12/30/09

A.D Myers: Coach Leach, did you order the Isolation?
Attorney Ted Liggett: You don’t have to answer that question!
Coach Leach: I'll answer the question!
[to Myers]
Coach Leach: You want answers?
Myers: I think I'm entitled.
Coach Leach: You want answers?
Myers: I want the truth!
Coach Leach: You can’t handle the truth!
Coach Leach: Son, we play in a conference that has great teams, and those great teams have to be defeated by men with guts. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Chancellor Hance? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Adam James, and you curse the Pirate. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That James's isolation, while tragic, probably saved games. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves games. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me as that coach, you need me as that coach. We use words like cover two and zone read. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent coaching football. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who cheers and accepts praise for the glory of the very victories that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide them. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a playbook, and start coaching. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.
Myers: Did you order the Isolation?
Coach Leach: I did the job I...
Myers: Did you order the Isolation?
Coach Leach: You’re GD right I did!
Coach Leach: [Hance dismisses the Board of Regents after Leach's revelation about the Isolation] What is this? What's going on? I did my job, I'd do it again!
[stands up defiantly]
Coach Leach: I'm gonna get on a plane and go on back to the Alamo Bowl.
Chancellor Hance: You're not going anywhere, Coach. ESPN... vilify the Coach!
[Joe Schad takes his post]
Chancellor Hance: Coach McNeill?
Coach Leach: What the hell is this?
Coach McNeill: Coach Leach, you have lost the right to coach the Raiders. Any statement you make...
Coach Leach: I'm being fired from coaching? Is that what this is? I'm being fired from coaching? This is funny. That's what this is. This is...
[turning to Myers and lunging at him]
Coach Leach: ...I'm gonna raid your village, plunder your homes and enslave your women! You fucked with the wrong Pirate!
Coach McNeill: Coach Leach! Do you understand you are fired as I have just stated to you?
Coach Leach: [contemptuously] You fuckin' people... you have no idea how to run a football team. All you did was weaken a football program today, Myers. That's all you did. You put winning football games in danger. Sweet dreams, son.


Anonymous said...

One of my favorites. Thanks for the laughs and the tears.

Bernie said...

You're a lousy (effin') football player James!

One of the greatest movies of all time. And one of the greatest posts of all time. Nice work Hamp!

Rex Robinson said...

See, I told you! Classic!


Ollllddude said...

Great play.

Great movie.

Great post.

I will bet Doug Gillette is envious he didn't think of it first.

keveekev said...

This is one of the greatest blog posts....I've ever read. We're re-posting it on 5 on you guys....all the credit.

cjdoliver said...

Hey Hamp, I know you hate the BCS as much as I do. Here's a potential solve that is a playoff and saves the bowls...

Eric Corbett said...

Best. Post. Ever.