Y’all have all seen the UF promotional video where the people morph from saying “Go Gators” to things like “Go become a brain surgeon” and “Go start a fortune 500 company”… well I have decided that it might be appropriate to reprise that premise with more accurate commentary for the common Gator fan who wouldn’t know a fortune 500 company if he was suing one for getting his dick stuck in a vacuum.While many have already offered “Go Fuck yourself”, the purpose of this exercise is to offer sincere useful advice for the poor, misguided followers of the Orange and Blue. Please feel free to add your own suggestions based on your experiences with Gator Nation.
Go be a prison barber.
Go update your mullet.
Go start a Nauga ranch.
Go invent a new camouflage pattern.
Go form yet another Skynyrd tribute band.
Go prove that smoking while pregnant is perfectly safe.
Go proudly wear that fishnet half-shirt.
Go rent-to-own a Queen-size waterbed.
Go get that above-ground pool.
Go restore that ’77 El Camino.
Go paint the rest of your Duster primer gray.
Go to “All You Can Eat” Popcorn Shrimp night
Go get that “The Promise” tattoo.
Go smurfing.
Go watch Porky’s again.
Go watch Porky’s 2 again.
Go to “PeopleofWalMart.com” to see if you’re on it.
Go buy some scratch-offs – rent on your single-wide is due.
Go pitch your story to Jerry Springer.
Go punch out – you’re shift is over.
Go pick up a hydraponic gardening kit.
Godryclean your tuxedo t-shirt before your sister’s wedding.
Go re-take your GED, third time’s a charm.
Go buy a preacher’s bench for your home gym.
Go get a tramp stamp, who says that shit is for women only.
Go get your name screened onto your back windshield, Dewayne.
Go breed your Rottweiler with your step-uncle’s pit.
Go meet your future ex-wife at Club La Vela.
Go to Florabama and defend your Mullet Toss record.
Go to another Spring Break – you keep getting older, but the girls stay the same age.
Go run a boat at Weekie Watchie.
Go start a Lucky Dog franchise.
Go make out with a carnie despite the cabbage smell.
Now it's your turn... please add yours in the comments...
Bernie offers these:
Go re-register with the Sheriff's Department.
Go spend your entire paycheck on this weekend's WWE pay-per-view event.
Go try to talk your cousin into having sex...again.
Go spike your neighbor's drink and then siphon their gas.
The driving without a license or suspended license problem is so amazingly simple to fix that I can't imagine why it has plagued us for years. Here is the solution: Find a student-intern who wants to work with the athletic department. His or her job will be to check on a daily basis to ensure that all of our scholarship players and any non-scholarship players who contribute on Saturdays are licensed and in good standing with the DMV. I am no Nick Saban, but I think we can only have 85 players on scholarship. Add a few non-scholly contributors and we are talking about no more than 95 players.
The student-intern will have a list of the players names and DL #'s. On a daily basis, this person will confirm that the DL#s on the list are in good standing with the DMV. How will he/she do this? I am not certain, but either through cooperation with the DMV or through the same means that any PI can get this same information on you if they have your name and address. One way or another, the information is available. Have every player sign a power of attorney that gives the athletic department the authority to collect this information at any time. When a player's license gets suspended because they did not pay a speeding ticket in Henry County, then the coaches pull the player aside, ask him for his keys and impound his vehicle/scooter until the license is back in good standing.
It’s Cocktail Party Time! Worked hard on the front end of this week and now I am Cocktail Partying on through Halloween. Got my homie Whit Yates rolling in Thursday afternoon and will be hitting Karibrew for some microbrews. Fishing Friday at the end of the jetties for some bull reds. Any idea what we should do Saturday?
Last year I spent about a week doing statistical analysis for this game and had myself convinced that we were going to spank them Gators. Clearly that did not work out well. This year… not doing one nanosecond of analysis. Not going to talk about what we need to do. Not going to look at the keys to the game. Not going to fantasize about a win in Jacksonville. Our team is more of a mystery to me than how the show Becker stayed on the air for so many years. All I know for sure is AJ Green, Rennie Curran and Drew Butler. After that, it is chaos clear as a baby diaper filled with Indian food. If we win, the Gators can suck it. If we lose, the Gators can still suck it. Like Gretchen Wilson sings... we are "Here for the party.”
Yates and I will drive down to the Talleyrand Lot around 11:00 am and will tailgate with some fine Douglas folks for a while and then will do our pilgrimage over to a Fernandina tailgate that is about 70% Gator – but tolerable Gators (I know that is an oxymoron.) Not sure what poison I should pick. The past two years it has been Hendrick’s, tonic and lime. That elixir did the job in 2007 but fell short in 2008. Wondering if I ought to try something new. I might try to see the green fairy – for something different. I have eschewed brown liquor on game day on account of its propensity to cause acute memory loss. Any suggestions?
If any of my four readers are on Amelia Island for the weekend and have any questions about the wheres and the what-fors, shoot me an email and I will try to help ya out.
* Cincinnati * Oregon * LSU * Georgia Tech * Penn State * TCU * Boise State
Toughest week yet to select the Next Seven. I wouldn't necessarily say they are in a particular order, but maybe they are. I struggled with what to do about Pitt, Houston, West Virginia and Oklahoma State. In the end, I couldn't drop anyone other than Miami out of the Next Seven and I feel that Penn State deserved to move up. Muddy is what it is.
Continuing my downward spiral, my nolo play last week resulted in a 4-9 weekend (36-56 for the year). So, apparently if I pick the way think games will go, I am a little under .500, if I pick the teams I do not want to cover and even farther under .500. So this week, I am back to picking the way I think it will happen.
Georgia Tech 4 VIRGINIA MIAMI 6.5 Clemson SOUTH CAROLINA 12.5 Vandy NOTRE DAME 8 Boston College ALABAMA 16 Tennessee Penn State 4.5 MICHIGAN Oklahoma 7.5 KANSAS Texas 13.5 MISSOURI NAVY 3 Wake Forest OLE MISS 4.5 Arkansas Tcu 2 BYU Iowa 1 MICHIGAN STATE Florida 22 MISS STATE LSU 7.5 Auburn SOUTHERN CAL 20.5 Oregon State
Honestly, I have no idea. I was pleased that we put the game away early in the 4th quarter and were able to relax for the first time all season. However, throughout the first half and the first two drives of the second half, things progressed in an eerily reminiscent fashion. When we kicked a field goal on our first drive of the second half to make the score 20-10, I feared another Vandy TD would cause this game to go down to the wire and give us more gray hair and high blood pressure. Thankfully, our depth (read... Vandy's lack of depth) wore them down and we were able to impose our will for the first time this season.
AJ Green. AJ Green's catch and run was another jaw-dropper. Let's review... Easy throw... check, Best receiver in the nation... check, Makes people miss... check, Amazing in space... check. Why didn't we try that again? Do we outsmart ourselves sometimes? I know they had safety help over the top all day, but this 65 yard TD play was thrown exactly 1 yard upfield and was all AJ being AJ after that. More please.
Running Game. We finally found some running room in the second half. I am not sure if this was anything to hang our hats on, but at least we broke through on Vandy. Caleb King had his best outing and showed true determination to get into the end zone. Ealey, Thomas and Jackson all had a few open-field runs that were exciting to see. Samuel didn't get much going but watching him and all the other tailbacks makes me wonder if he should be at fullback this spring. I want to see Samuel succeed in a big way and I am not convinced it will happen at tailback. But, he is a gifted athlete with a great attitude and he can contribute somewhere so I hope the coaches sort that out this spring.
Defense. Justin Houston and Kade Weston continue to disrupt up front and Rennie cleans up almost every play. The emergence of big Kade has been the biggest surprise on defense for me. I enjoyed seeing how Christian Robinson got after it. He plays fast and seems to be a sure tackler. Baccari Rambo made another bold, loud, and unambiguous statement that he should be on the field for the majority of defensive snaps. Willie? Are you listening? Watch the film. It is right there in front of you. Make the call!
Special Teams. Almost a complete game for our special teams units - minus the fake punt. Butler continued to kick into the stratosphere. Walsh was perfect. Rex Robinson 5 can probably help me out here, but I think Walsh may have been asked to kick it out of bounds with 7 seconds in the half. I like our chances putting Vandy on the 40 with only one play to get in the end zone. I could be wrong. Either way, we had one touch back and held them to 16 yards per return. Progress! And finally Prince Miller returned some punts and was two shoestring tackles from scoring twice.
It was great to get a comfortable win under our belt going into the off week. We haven't had a cupcake all season, but Vandy is certainly not bowl bound. All the other teams we have played will be (don't let me down ASU.) Having two weeks to prepare for Florida will help. Will it be enough?
In other news, Arkansas got jobbed. We know how you feel Hawgs!
Top Five * Alabama * Florida * Texas * Southern Cal * Iowa
Next Seven * Cincinnati * Miami * Oregon * LSU * Georgia Tech * Boise State * TCU
This week, I would say that this is pretty much in the order that I would rank them 1 to 12. Cincinnati could swap places with Iowa without much fight from me. Va. Tech and Ohio State go bye-bye so Ga. Tech and TCU jump up. I had to hold me nose for two votes: Ga. Tech because as much as I would like for them to suck, they don't, so I am hoping to jinx them with this vote. And Boise State - their schedule is crap, but they did beat Oregon - which will be their only quality win come December when the BCS busters try to foist them upon us as legit.
What do you think? Who did I screw and am I a part of a conspiracy that I don't know about?
If I was in charge, I would scrap any attempt at establishing the run. Ain't gonna happen or it already would have. I would line up in a single back set, shotgun, 3 wides and a TE. The I-formation would be put on the shelf. I would try to establish the passing game and once that starts working, mix in a few runs. Now, full disclosure, I am a firm believer that you must run the ball to win in the SEC. But, we can't run the ball when the opposing defense knows we will run it. So, why waste plays trying. Throw it early and often. With some success throwing the ball, we could then possible soften up the front 7 so we could run for more than a 1.8 yard average.
This is not what Bobo is going to do today. He will try to establish a balanced attack. Maybe this is the week of some eureka moment breakthroughs and remember how to run block and to avoid tacklers.
What Georgia needs is a complete game on both sides fo the ball. A comfortable win. What we are going to get is another frustrating game. Fits and starts. Some good stuff, some bad stuff. In the end, we will win. But it will not be inspiring.
In keeping with my music meme... I am heading to down to Jax in a couple of hours to see New Orleans' own Dirty Dozen Brass Band. Can't wait to get funky!
When I roll out of bed in the morning, I may or may not give a Dawgs prediction. Like you care.
I am dead last in my league and cannot do any worse. This week I have chosen the teams that I DO NOT want to cover. THe asterisks are my friend's picks - just to track it for him.
One of my favorite contemporary musicians is Ray LaMontagne who sings a song called "Jolene" - as does The Zac Brown Band. I don't know who wrote and first recorded this version of the song, but it is different than Dolly's version. In the song, he sings... (at the 2:48 mark)
A man needs something he can hold on to A nine pound hammer or a woman like you Either one of them things will do
At this point in the season, sitting at 3-3 and with the specter of more losses looming as a real possibility, I think these lines from the song are applicable for Dawg fans. So, I thought I would write about the only thing left for us to hold on to regarding noble goals for this season. Understand, that the scenario below is absolute best-case scenario and highly improbable, but as Ray sings... we need something to hold on to - at least for the next two weeks.
How can UGA still win the SEC? Stop laughing, remember... this is an exercise in holding on to some shred of hope despite all of the evidence to suggest that all hope is lost. For the Dawgs to win the East, the following things must happen:
UGA wins all remaining SEC games: Vandy, Florida, Auburn and Kentucky. Florida loses to UGA and South Carolina Tennessee loses to Alabama South Carolina loses to Tennessee
There's your nine pound hammer, Dawg fans. Your on your own finding a woman like Jolene.
Notes: These are in no particular order although I would say that the three unbeatens in my Top 5 are ahead of USC and Va. Tech. Duh. I have South Florida and Kansas knocking on the door. Stanford helped me by losing. Had they won, either LSU or Ohio State would have failed to make the Next 7. Speaking of LSU, I didn't drop them out of the Top 12 because they held Florida to 13 points. Their defense will keep them in every game. If their offense ever gets going... look out. Nevertheless, I think they hold the most tenuous slot in my Top 12 going into Week 7.
Our pursuit of excellence continues. Note that it is merely a pursuit. We have not attained the excellence. Last week was 6-7 and for the yearam 28-38. So here comes another crapload of shitty pics:
Thursday
Nebraska 1 MISSOURI
Saturday
VIRGINIA TECH 13 Boston College VIRGINIA 6.5 Indiana Alabama 6.5 OLE MISS Houston 3 MISS STATE Georgia 1 TENNESSEE FLORIDA STATE 3 Georgia Tech OHIO STATE 14.5 Wisconsin SOUTH CAROLINA 11.5 Kentucky Auburn 2.5 ARKANSAS Florida 9 LSU IOWA 7.5 Michigan Vanderbilt 12 ARMY
There is an old saying about touchdown reactions that I have heard attributed to both Bear Bryant and Joe Paterno. I don't know who deserves the credit, but the saying is, "Act like you have been there before." If you want to teach kids how to "Act like you have been there before"... I submit this video as the perfect training tool.
Never mind that biased, unprofessional SEC referees utterly devoid of any personal integrity determined that AJ Green's actions were unsportsmanlike and illustrative of a player intentionally drawing attention to himself. If leaping three feet off the ground to snatch a touchdown on the sideline while exercising tremendous body control to ensure that you land with a foot in bounds is intentionally drawing attention to yourself, then AJ Green clearly violated the rule and has been doing so for his entire career.
Hey chief SEC Officials asshole, Rogers Redding, Georgia Tech man, here is your "teachable moment" you unethical scumbag.
Heartbreaker in a cliffhanger Saturday. Dawgs hung in there despite having no running game and took the lead twice in the fourth quarter only to have it ripped away by a convergence of unfortunate events beginning with the worst game-changing call against Georgia since the Jasper Sanks non-fumble at Ga. Tech.
Watch this video closely and tell me when the infraction occurred.
I will rant about the "celebration penalty" briefly before moving to other observations. Believe it or not, the chief asshole in charge of SEC officials, Rogers Redding, a Tech grad, says that his official "probably should have let this go." Probably? Probably? If there was any latitude at all for an official to call that an excessive celebration, then no team should kick off from the 30 for the rest of this season. Remember, they singled out AJ Green (#8 for those of you in Kazakstan) saying he drew attention to himself. The flag was thrown pretty quickly after the TD so it had been thrown before this video ended. And Redding says they probably should have let it go. Let what go? What they need to let go is their continued punishment of Mark Richt's team for the 2007 Celebration in the end zone in Jacksonville. Maybe now that SEC officials have clearly thrown a hugely important game for Georgia these officials can conclude that we have been punished enough. Somehow I doubt that will be the case, however. To say that I question the integrity and professionalism of SEC officials is a vast understatement. I haven't the slightest confidence that SEC officials have a scintilla of integrity. My friend's brother is an SEC official and last year he told my friend that the Celebration stunt really pissed SEC officials because they felt that Richt put them in a bad spot by letting that happen. If you think the those two events are not related, watch the video again. Still not convinced? You are a fool.
This rule is utter horseshit because it cannot be evenly applied under any circumstances. It was created to put an end to the antics invented by Deion Sanders and Michael Irvin in the late 80's. Sanders would taunt the opponents as he returned punts or interceptions for TDs. Irvin would perform ridiculous celebrations after the most mundane catches. Perhaps something needed to be done to prevent such egregious behavior. But now, we have seen the rule applied too many times after end zone celebrations late in the game in the heat of the moment. This rule screwed Washington a few years ago when Jake Locker exuberantly jumped up and shot the football high into the air. Now it has been applied to AJ Green after a TD at a time when no one has yet to find anything unsportsmanlike in his behavior. That blown call probably took the game away from us, but LSU may have scored anyway. We will never know. It is a garbage rule that should be tossed into the dustbin of history. We will always have unsportsmanlike conduct to punish egregious behavior. What we saw from AJ Green on Saturday was cleary not worthy of punishment.
After the call, the kickoff execution was pathetic and that essentially sealed our fate. Kevin Butler explained on Sunday morning that the safest call at that point would have been to kick it out of bounds past the 40 yard line so that LSU would have to take over on their 40 and not our 37. That would have put our defense in a much better position. God I hope we have learned a lesson from that.
I have heard people complain about Willie and the defense. Huh? Our defense kept us alive and in my opinion, did enough for us to win the game. It was the ineptitude of our offense for the entire first half that really killed us.
Our running game was deplorable and that cost us this game. Poor blocking and poor running (with the exception of Ealey). Mix in some poor play-calling and that sunk our offense. Joe Cox was not great but he had no help from our running game until Washaun Ealey entered the game. His first carry, which came in the 3rd quarter, for 8 yards, doubled our rushing output at that point in the game. How could that be? Can't blame Cox for this game. He hit enough passes for us to win. Had we been able to run the ball at all, his passing numbers would have surely been better.
AJ Green continues to amaze. There are no words!
Rennie Curran continues to amaze. Their are no words!
Drew Butler continues to amaze... ok, ok, he is a punter. But wow, he is booting howitzers. I actually spoke with Kevin Butler at the Hotel Indigo Saturday morning and told him that I hoped Drew would have a good game. He replied that hopefully he wouldn't have but a couple of chances. Good point. Obviously he had too many chances, but he averaged 49 yards on 7 punts. He has averaged 49.8 yards on 23 punts for the season.
Our front four on defense played their best game of the season. Led by Justin Houston's 6 tackle/2 sack performance and Jeff Owens' 7 tackle outing, our defensive tackles and ends accounted for 26 tackles. Without conducting the research, I am going to say that has to be the best performance for this group in the past two seasons and the 6 sacks and many many QB hurries hopefully indicate that this part of our game has turned the corner.
I really can't give out too much more praise. I was happy to see Shaun Chapas get his first TD of the season. That was a great call by Bobo.
I will leave all of the bitter criticism to others. I am disappointed but not devastated. This team has potential to get things rolling but it will require a running game and maybe Washaun is ready to pick up the torch. My brother informed me that he and his compadres at the game have officially dubbed Washaun as NewShon or NewShaun. I like it. Unless someone else came up with this earlier, I will give him credit. Anyway... NewShaun will need our O-line to live up to their pre-season expectations if our running game is going to develop quickly enough to salvage the season.
A win in Knoxville will be some great medicine and if LSU somehow beats Florida, we will recognize that we were within one unconscionably horrendous call from beating a bona fide Top 3 team. Hang in there Dawg fans and support these players and coaches.
I am a plank holder of The Mumme Poll having participated last year and being among the 30 survivors to make it to the end of the season.
Here is my ballot for this weeks trial run:
Top Five
Alabama
Florida
Texas
Virginia Tech
LSU
Next Seven
Miami
Boise State
Cincinnati
Southern Cal
Iowa
Oregon
Stanford
After the first three teams in my top five I had to just pick two from among several close contenders. I had trouble selecting the 12th team and ended up rewarding Stanford for four convincing wins against decent teams. I also considered Auburn, South Florida, Ohio State and Wisconsin. The winner of Ohio State and Wisconsin will probably crack my Top 12 next week. I looked at but was not convinced by the schedule strength of Notre Dame, Missouri and Kansas. I may have shown too much love for the Pac 10, but Oregon has solved their issues since the opening loss to Boise State and I have a lot of respect for the job Jim Harbaugh is doing at Stanford.
One thing is for certain... though we have played five games now, there still isn't enough information to legitimately draw distinctions between so many teams among the nation's best 20 or 25. Ranking them in any particular order at this point is just silly. I know that LSU's offense may look like it should disqualify them from the top 5, but they are undefeated with 3 SEC wins and a win on the road at Washington. Their defense is fast, fast, fast and will keep them in most if not all of their games. If they beat Florida, they belong, if they don't, they will slip. More proof that rankings after 5 weeks is still a fool's challenge.
So what do you think? Am I just as confused as the Coaches Poll voters
As has been reported frequently this week, the Dawgs have won the last three against LSU by an average margin of 21 points. Well kids, that ain't going to happen this Saturday. Actually, no one knows what will happen. No one! But, I think we are in for yet another cliffhanger with our cardiac kids.
The Dawgs will have intermittent success running the ball and intermittent success throwing the ball. LSU will have intermittent success running the ball and intermittent success throwing the ball. The key will be frequency with which we put both together at the same time and how frequently we can prevent them from having success running and passing on the same possession. What I am saying is that I don't thing a one-dimensional attack will be good enough for either of these offenses to score on either of these defenses. It is going to require a sound mix of running and passing to keep the opposing defense off balance. We have yet have a game in which we did both well. LSU has yet to have a game in which they did both well. I get the sense that both teams are having strikingly similar offensive issues except for one thing... turnovers. We are -9 and they are +7. If this trend holds, we lose. Plain and simple. But, this is a positive thinking blog and I am hoping this is the week we stop being so generous and actually score a few take-aways of our own.
For the Dawgs to move the ball successfully and consistently, we will need better blocking up and from our FB on running plays. Our receivers have been blocking lights-out... let's hope the big boys follow suit this week. In the passing game, if Joe Cox has time, he will find open receivers and I am certain he will have to spread it around as AJ will attract an inordinate amount of attention from their best cover man, Patrick Peterson and maybe a little help from all-world Chad Jones. Again, the key is to give Cox time. If he has to hurry his throws, we will have problems because I do not think the separation between our receivers and their defenders will be as dramatic as we have seen in our previous games.
One thing I want to point out and stress is that their defense (like ours) is comprised of fast aggressive players which always raises the possibility for over-pursuit issues. Last year, a lot of Moreno's running success came from his patience and making timely cutbacks leaving the over-pursuing defenders in poor position to make the play. Our defense suffers the same problems at times. I hope that we can exploit their speed and aggressiveness with misdirection, reverses, counters, etc. Caleb King may be able to make some hay here with vision and a timely cut or two.
This goes without saying, but I am saying it anyway... we must protect the football. Turnovers, you can go away now! We need to convert all of our scoring opportunities. When we lost to LSU in Baton Rouge in 2003, we failed to turn many first half opportunities into points and we lost a close one. Blair Walsh is kicking great and we will need him Saturday, but I am hoping our red zone success in getting touchdowns continues because we will need the points!
Our defense can keep us in this game even if our offense struggles but it will start and end with the front four. Our tackles need to make themselves a home in the LSU backfield and then Houston and C. Washington and Dobbs can clean up from the end position. These front four guys need to be disruptive and not allow LSU to get in a rhythm. They also need to keep offensive linemen off of our LBs so Curran, Gamble and crew can make plays at the line of scrimmage. If had to declare one player the keystone for our entire defensive scheme, it is Justin Houston. If he has another big game, our entire defense will look good.
Special teams... last week we covered well on kick returns and this week we get our biggest challenge yet in trying to hem up sprinter Trindon Holliday. I am sure we will see some shots at the end zone and some directional kicks. The key will be in covering fast and not missing tackles. I don't expect anything extraordinary from our kick and punt return teams, I just pray that we hold onto the ball. If Walsh and Butler continue their fine work, they could be the difference in this game.
Ok... gotta hit the road in a few minutes for the 315 mile drive up from Amelia. Will be at Hotel Indigo tonight. If you are there, look me up and I'll buy you a beer.
Posts
